COMMENTS
1. At 18.45 on 25 June 2010, Jude B wrote:
It would not suit me in that situation to have a bag called ‘Angel bag’, metaphorically or other wise I would feel as though the health professional was not taking my loss seriously and was trying to lighten my grief. I am not religious and so would be offended. Sorry but I am not a dear, ducks or darling person either.
2. At 12.15 on 26 June 2010, Caroline wrote:
I'm a midwife, health visitor and mother of 3 children, one of whom died age 3 days with renal aplasia and Potter's sequence. I do have a religious faith, and I have no problem at all with the term 'angel' to describe my middle daughter (if not all my children sometimes!) - and I agree that the idea of my baby taking wings and moving on in her journey to a happy place, while remaining aware of us, as we are of her, is wholly helpful and comforting. I was glad to have footprints, a lock of hair etc. Nevertheless the notion of the 'new angel parents' and bag may end up being unbearably cheesy and feel demeaning to parents. Having, and then losing, a baby is a serious and delicate business, as you all know. For me, it is definitely a mixture of joy as well as sadness, and there is a place for laughter and lightness - but no place for soppy or gushy sentimentality.
3. At 00.28 on 27 June 2010, Community midwife wrote:
This country is supposed to be a Christian country. Why are we afraid to express what we are? People do find the word 'angel' perfect like the little ones they have lost. Therefore, comforting in time of their loss. Stop nit picking at words like ‘angel’ because they see their babies as perfect little angels… Don’t try to please everyone, you can't.
4. At 10.33 on 27 June 2010, Judith Schott, Sands Improving Care wrote:
Experience of supporting many thousands of bereaved parents over the last 30 years at Sands, the stillbirth and neonatal charity, has taught us never to assume that we know what words we should use when referring to their babies. Each of us is unique, with our own personal, cultural and perhaps religious beliefs. Some mothers do refer to their babies as angel babies, but many others do not. It is not appropriate to impose these terms on bereaved parents who are uniquely sensitive and vulnerable. We should let them choose for themselves.
5. At 12.56 on 27 June 2010, Jane Kania wrote:
I do believe in many ways that we have gone PC mad, but I have to admit to not liking the terminology of new angel and new angel parents. Perhaps some parents will find it comforting, but I believe every parent affected by the tragedy of stillbirth hold individual views and beliefs of how they view and remember their baby. Many people who have lost a loved one think of them as a star for example. I don’t really see this as a ‘religion’ issue.
6. At 18.56 on 27 June 2010, Sarah Jones wrote:
I do not understand how this beautiful word can offend anyone religious or not, and yes I agree the world has gone mad. It is impossible to please everyone and we have to stop trying to do this and be realistic. I think the new angel mum bag is a lovely idea and people should stop worrying about offending others and have the guts to stand and say this is the name of it so move on.
7. At 08.56 on 28 June 2010, Beverley
Wilkes
wrote:
Emma, I agree that language at the time a baby is born still is paramount. Parents do not forget what has been said and words can last a lifetime. I have had the honour of walking with many parents through this painful journey as a midwife and have learned from them how they feel. Sensitive and compassionate words go a long way to bringing some comfort and allowing the parents to know that we care. Most people can relate to an angel as a special being and will use/receive the word as a term of endearment.
A year ago I lost my 6-year-old daughter to a brain tumour. She walked her journey for 3 years, undergoing extensive treatment, so I know the pain of losing a child. I have a circle of friends termed 'oncology mums and dads' a term that has arisen from the parents themselves. I live in a world where I speak to parents whose children are dying from cancer and one term that they use when a little child's battle for life ends is 'angel'. I often hear 'heaven has gained another angel' and 'they have earned their ‘angel wings’. The word angel is held in high esteem and it is the parent's themselves that give their child this new prestigious position. Every parent who loses a child, whether born still, to cancer or even in a sudden tragedy want to believe that their child did not die in vain.
I would encourage you to listen to the parents with regard to the 'New angel' bags, they will tell you if they are offended. I believe that you will find that the majority of parents will be very accepting of the bags. No practice will ever be entirely satisfactory to all. Tell the big bosses that 'clinical correctness' at a time when a parent loses a baby can sometimes appear to be unsympathetic and hard in my opinion. A baby born still needs to be valued and loved by all and parents from all religions will value the special things that a hospital does to try to ease the pain.
8. At 13.08 on 28 June 2010, Tracey Harris wrote:
Whatever happened to choice?? We offer bereaved parents hand and foot prints, photographs and the choice of whether or not to hold their baby after birth, all of which may offend someone, but they are offered in the hope that they may bring comfort. The new angel bag is an addition to this list, which may be another part of the memory building the parents may choose. Holding onto these memories is all that the parents have. They don’t have the memory of the first tooth, the first step, the first word they only have what we offer. To deny them a chance to have another memory is, in my view, far more offensive than actually offering it.
9. At 16.28 on 30 June 2010, Alex Jones wrote:
I am not a health professional, I am an ‘angel father’. As you can see, the term itself does not offend me as I use it myself, when in the company of other ‘angel parents’. I didn't use it at first, I didn't really accept it until later.
But what I would NEVER do is label somebody else's child as an angel baby - I know not everyone is comfortable with it. I do find it offensive that this group thinks it can label other people's babies like this.
Of course, the perfect solution would be to issue the bags without the ‘angel’ references, but this group has made it very plain that it's their way or no way.
10. At 17.51 on 4 July 2010, Lynda wrote:
Why do they have to be called ANGEL BAGS? I agree we have gone PC mad but I think the term the parents would use themselves is what professional should use in turn. I have not problem with Angels, but my dead baby is my baby, not sleeping but not alive, my baby that will not grow old, will not play with it's brothers or sister, a special little one that deserves to be remembered and recognised as part of my family.
11. At 01.06 on 17 August 2010, pips wrote:
As a mummy of a chunky 7lb 2oz baby girl who died shortly after birth I personally dislike like the word 'angel' - she isn't an angel; she is simply my very much-missed beautiful daughter. Even after two years I still get cross when people refer to her as an 'angel'. Just take the word 'angel' off the bags and let the parents decide for themselves how they want to refer to their baby.
12. At 07.10 on 4 September 2010, Deirdre McGurrell wrote:
Stop it! Stop it, all of you! Grief comes in so many forms, who is to say which is the right way? If even one parent can receive comfort from these little bags, then let it be. The bag is one parent’s simple offering, all the while coping with her own grief. Take it in the spirit it was offered.
13. At 21.30 on 11 December 2010, Second trimester loss petition mum wrote:
This is so silly. It’s all down to personal choice. Surely a brief discussion with the parents you would be able to ascertain if the word angel offended them?
What really offended me was my daughter who was delivered naturally and lived for an hour and a half being repeatedly referred to as a miscarriage. I am sorry but most of the day in labour and giving birth is not a miscarriage.
14. At 19.45 on 10 January 2011, Natalie wrote:
I agree as a health professional that the situation is different for all parents, however I think that what should be considered is the thought that has gone into this 'package' for parents who have experienced a stillbirth. What is in the bag is what matters as well and it is something which may comfort parents.
I also agree that the bags should be explained and offered to parents in the same way as hand and foot prints. Asking parents individually will clarify their wishes, as midwives we are trained to care for parents in these situations and can use tact and a manner which can prevent offence. If we deem the word ‘angel’ offensive are we not limiting how we can communicate with parents? What are we going to find offensive next? Removing terms of endearment leaves us with cold, clinical situations, something midwifery is constantly battling away from.
15. At 00.31 on 8 May 2011, sad mom (third trimester loss) wrote:
As a first time mom who recently lost her baby at 30 weeks, I would be very offended if someone called my son an ‘angel’ just as much as I was offended when the funeral home referred to my son as simply a ‘fetus’. The term bothers me for a number of reasons and is not comforting at all, despite what Mrs Godfrey-Edwards assumes. This is nothing to do with political correctness. I appreciated the true compassion, kindness, and support from our medical team. These bags seem like a good attempt at helping bereaved parents, however perhaps since this is clearly debatable, it would be more helpful to us if the ‘bag’ was simply unlabelled.
